Been a while since I've posted anything. I joined a dating website because my buddy ED continuously tells me about how many girls he's picking up off this website. Since I've joined I've written several e-mails, and even Ed has written some e-mails using my account because he thinks that he can talk to women so well he can succeed no matter what. So far we haven't heard anything from the 23 women we sent e-mails too. I truly wish I hadn't of done any of this because it just reminds me that it sucks trying to get a date. I've been rationed like 2-3 dates a year and I've already filled that quota so I'm intentionally fulfilling this image of myself as a cursed, dead-soul loser that will never get a date. Life is easier when I think I'm happy playing COD and drinking.

I want to be happy... I'm a good person. I believe I am entitled to live a normal happy life. I will be creative and provide happiness in other people's lives.

Do you know what I'm missing? It has been a question I've pondered for a long time. I'm missing.......





A doggy!

My reality has been my friends. When I'm lost in the World, in-between my anchor, my truth is the love my friends have for me, and I for them. I've been away for a long time. Too long. My reality is starting to fade away from me. I'm more fearful now than I ever have before that I will no longer have a home when I return to Washington. My life for the last 5 years has been travel. Temporary. Meet somebody who is supposed to be your boss for two weeks, size them up in your head in 10 minutes, then pretend to be someone they would like, and do whatever job is asked of you. That mentality made me incredibly successful at the 'elite' command. Career wise, I figured it out pretty easily. It has been a while since I've had a 'career' problem. I've never thought my personal life would consume the large portion of my worry, but here I am. Connections are what I'm missing. Not sure if 'intimicy' is the correct word, but that's pretty much as real as it gets, right? I volunteered to go to Pakistan for 9 months today, and then immediately following that I will be posted to some other location in the World. I know I'm supposed to be enjoying this. Traveling the World as a "Super Secret" government type, doing pretty much whatever I want and getting paid great money to do awesome work....But it just feels wrong that I can't share these experiences with my friends. Eating big-ass lobsters on a white sand beach in Haiti's finest resort on their northern shore was supposed to be great, but I couldn't enjoy it because I couldn't share the beauty of the moment with my boys. I know that my loyalty will never faulter. I just hope that in 3 years I will be able to latch on to some kind of true comfort during my transition from servant to leader.

I'll give anything ever at any point in my life to hook the interest of any woman. I will literally give a testicle to hold a conversation with a woman. Pathetic? Fuckin right it's pathetic. I have no other option.

All I want is a woman who will be with me. The only way to get a woman is to talk to her. When I talk to a woman she will look elsewhere. What words do I speak to induce interest? What is the code I should have learned years ago? Why didn't I learn the secret?

Sharing the really intimate details of my life is supposed to be the point of this right? Last night I got drunk and texted my sister Kim the following. "Kim, you're a terrible sister. Go fuck yourself". I had forgotten all about it. I talked to my sister Katy yesterday for about 2 hours. Most of which was good conversation, but it ended up in me basically saying I'm disgusted by what she did to Shain, and she's a pretty lousy person. I think I used the phrase "you're an embarassment to me" at some point. Kimmy called me today and asked me why I sent her that text yesterday. Immediately I was embarassed about what I had said, so I immediately said "Because you ARE a terrible sister, and you can go fuck yourself". I hadn't had anything to drink at all today, mind you. I then told her that I truly don't give a shit about if she's alive or not, then interrupted her talking multiple times to remind her I don't care about anything she says. Then I hung up on her in mid-sentence. My brother called me shortly after that. He asked me how I was doing and I let him know I was great. Then there was some akward silence and I told him "I'm going to go now. Have a good one". Then I hung up.

My mom looks at me with an odd worry when I see her. My sisters probably won't talk to me for a while, and my brother is probably confused, and will continue on with his life. In 24 hours I've alienated myself from my family. Why the hell did I do that? I'm scared I fucked up. I don't dislike them. I love them. Why have I been horrible to them for absolutely no reason? It doesn't make sense. What is happening to me? I'm becoming the most hateful person I've ever known. I truly don't know who I am anymore. I cling to the assurance that I have some friends who will remind me of my identity when I leave this job, but for the next 3 years I have to live with myself, and I really, really don't want to do that. I'm truly freaked out by what I do and say. The drinking has won the battle, and I drink quite a bit pretty much every single day. I start drinking the moment I get home from work. What is going to change things for me? Is the highest point of my career, the lowest point of my personal life? I truly believe it is. I don't have such deep depression weighing me down right now. There's always depression but right now I'm a vessel filled to the brim with apathy, sadness, anger.... What the hell made me like this? I want to drink until I drown and don't have to worry about anything anymore. I want to flush all responsibility down the toilet. I want to throw it all away. A yearning desire for being a drug addict is probably a weird desire. In the last year I've managed to get at least 15 people I know well to never want to talk to me again, with impressive haste. What is tearing me apart, making me spew evil all over the only people who still want to talk to me?

Perhaps I should take up tennis...

I'm a fucking tragedy spiraling down the rabbit hole. Unfortunately the good people who are my friends and family have to watch it, and there's nothing anyone can do for me :( My fear is hurting more of the people I love. I've already hurt my entire family..