Don't give a fuck about your god. Don't give a fuck about your jesus.
All of it is a lie. It's all a lie. You study your weakness until
it delivers a flaw. The myth comforts you. The promise is the only
way your weak fuckin' soul can cope.
What you don't realize is what you feel comes from deep inside you.
You feel everything but don't measure that if a god were with you
he'd spare you. You are nothing, and you will never crush trife.
Feel the measure of pain inside ou. Pretend you could listen and
describe what's inside you.
You're pitiful. You're failed. You're given up. You're........(sigh)
what I could be.
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Truth
Am I really so fucking needy?
Look around. All the insects are marching along, in unison with nature, moving right along. Friends are resting happily,
Loved ones sharing each other's company. Everything, content, satisfied, Living.
I sit here another night, week, month, year. Empty, waiting. One-minded, scared, bitter.
Let's have fun with exploration! The love you give is the love you receive. That sure sounds swell.
I can see it. I can see the circular patterns of history, time bending on itself, over and over. The planet
harbors a secret. I've slipped through one of the cracks. That is why I appear differently. Eyes see me,
but humans feel what their eyes don't believe. That is the anomoly. THAT is what makes me different.
The wavelenghts show me as something different than what their minds believe. Their hearts and minds disagree.
A feeling they can't describe. A question they can't ask. They'll never understand it.
Unable to receive love. How can that be? Let's go back. Beat up by brother, sisters. Brothers friends. Had friends,
which moved on. T.j., lane, brian, jared, stephan, matt. The list continues. All, moved on. Females....18 years, never
had an emotional connection. The first time it's made, snapped. Pressured to believe comfort was disgraceful at a young age.
Intuition, but unable to see it clearly. Vision, lacking courage. Holes throughout the soul. Afraid. Scared. Coward.
Providing love the best capable, to the only people left to trust. With these people, lives my only ability left to trust.
Can I ever believe in myself again? Will I ever be able to break through of my current mind. Erode away the demon's habits.
Shatter these chains!! Shatter these boundaries!! Pain. Pain...Pain.....will be the answer. Trust it. It's never lied to you.
If there were no rewards to reap, no desire to heal, down this tedious road I've chose, I definately would have walked away by now.
Until I can.....
Pain....
Look around. All the insects are marching along, in unison with nature, moving right along. Friends are resting happily,
Loved ones sharing each other's company. Everything, content, satisfied, Living.
I sit here another night, week, month, year. Empty, waiting. One-minded, scared, bitter.
Let's have fun with exploration! The love you give is the love you receive. That sure sounds swell.
I can see it. I can see the circular patterns of history, time bending on itself, over and over. The planet
harbors a secret. I've slipped through one of the cracks. That is why I appear differently. Eyes see me,
but humans feel what their eyes don't believe. That is the anomoly. THAT is what makes me different.
The wavelenghts show me as something different than what their minds believe. Their hearts and minds disagree.
A feeling they can't describe. A question they can't ask. They'll never understand it.
Unable to receive love. How can that be? Let's go back. Beat up by brother, sisters. Brothers friends. Had friends,
which moved on. T.j., lane, brian, jared, stephan, matt. The list continues. All, moved on. Females....18 years, never
had an emotional connection. The first time it's made, snapped. Pressured to believe comfort was disgraceful at a young age.
Intuition, but unable to see it clearly. Vision, lacking courage. Holes throughout the soul. Afraid. Scared. Coward.
Providing love the best capable, to the only people left to trust. With these people, lives my only ability left to trust.
Can I ever believe in myself again? Will I ever be able to break through of my current mind. Erode away the demon's habits.
Shatter these chains!! Shatter these boundaries!! Pain. Pain...Pain.....will be the answer. Trust it. It's never lied to you.
If there were no rewards to reap, no desire to heal, down this tedious road I've chose, I definately would have walked away by now.
Until I can.....
Pain....
Continuation
aug 9
WE ALL MUST LIE TO OURSELVES IN ORDER TO CONVINCE OUR ONLY MIND OF WHAT WE WANT IT TO BELIEVE.
INSTINCTS, INDUCTIVE REASONING, AND EVERYTHING YOU FEEL IS NOT REAL.
YOU MUST BE MORE SUCCESSFUL. THIS IS NOT COMFORTABLE. THIS IS A TEMPORARY RELIEF.
NOONE SHALL EVER SEE THOSE THOUGHTS. SCRIBBLE THEM DOWN AND BURN THEM. BURN THEM ALL!!
THE DARKER SIDE CAN BE STOWED. DEEP, DEEP INSIDE. THERE THEY WILL STAY. BECAUSE I'M TOO AFRAID
TO EXPLAIN THEM. WHERE COULD THEY HAVE COME FROM? UNLESS.....
I'M HAPPY NOW!! I TOLD MYSELF TO PRETEND WHAT I FEEL ISN'T WHAT I FEEL. I FOUND THE ANSWER!!
REALITY IS BLINDING AWAY THE REALNESS. SURE IS HOT OUT THERE. I WANT TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE.
HEY EVERYONE, IT SURE IS HOT OUTSIDE. WHERE DO YOU WORK? IS THAT FUN? WHY DON'T WE HAVE SEX.
DIRTY, FILTHY, HORRIBLE SEX. WE'LL TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, BE QUICK. BE SILENT. THAT WILL CAUSE HAPPINESS?
WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS AFTERWARDS. I NEVER WANT TO FUCKING SEE YOU AGAIN. FILTHY DIRTY HORRIBLE TRASH.
WAIT. THAT WAS LOVE. OK, WAIT, I LOVE YOU, LET'S GET MARRIED. HOORAY!! PRETEND THAT LOVE IS REAL.
I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT. BUT THEN I DECIDED ONE DAY IT WAS FUN. NOW IT'S REAL!! PAIN, SADNESS, DARK,
BLACK,MEAK,COLD NEVER REALLY EXISTS. ONLY IS CRAZIES. CRAZIES THAT NEED TO BE LOCKED UP. SO LET'S
LOCK 'EM ALL UP AND WE'LL ALL BE HAPPY!! YAY!!
~Your inept to care. You'll fail. You will never have the courage to love a woman. You will never
have the courage to love children. You will only ever have the selfish ability to exist. Comfortably.
WE ALL MUST LIE TO OURSELVES IN ORDER TO CONVINCE OUR ONLY MIND OF WHAT WE WANT IT TO BELIEVE.
INSTINCTS, INDUCTIVE REASONING, AND EVERYTHING YOU FEEL IS NOT REAL.
YOU MUST BE MORE SUCCESSFUL. THIS IS NOT COMFORTABLE. THIS IS A TEMPORARY RELIEF.
NOONE SHALL EVER SEE THOSE THOUGHTS. SCRIBBLE THEM DOWN AND BURN THEM. BURN THEM ALL!!
THE DARKER SIDE CAN BE STOWED. DEEP, DEEP INSIDE. THERE THEY WILL STAY. BECAUSE I'M TOO AFRAID
TO EXPLAIN THEM. WHERE COULD THEY HAVE COME FROM? UNLESS.....
I'M HAPPY NOW!! I TOLD MYSELF TO PRETEND WHAT I FEEL ISN'T WHAT I FEEL. I FOUND THE ANSWER!!
REALITY IS BLINDING AWAY THE REALNESS. SURE IS HOT OUT THERE. I WANT TO MAKE FRIENDS WITH EVERYONE.
HEY EVERYONE, IT SURE IS HOT OUTSIDE. WHERE DO YOU WORK? IS THAT FUN? WHY DON'T WE HAVE SEX.
DIRTY, FILTHY, HORRIBLE SEX. WE'LL TURN OFF THE LIGHTS, BE QUICK. BE SILENT. THAT WILL CAUSE HAPPINESS?
WE CANNOT BE FRIENDS AFTERWARDS. I NEVER WANT TO FUCKING SEE YOU AGAIN. FILTHY DIRTY HORRIBLE TRASH.
WAIT. THAT WAS LOVE. OK, WAIT, I LOVE YOU, LET'S GET MARRIED. HOORAY!! PRETEND THAT LOVE IS REAL.
I DIDN'T BELIEVE IT. BUT THEN I DECIDED ONE DAY IT WAS FUN. NOW IT'S REAL!! PAIN, SADNESS, DARK,
BLACK,MEAK,COLD NEVER REALLY EXISTS. ONLY IS CRAZIES. CRAZIES THAT NEED TO BE LOCKED UP. SO LET'S
LOCK 'EM ALL UP AND WE'LL ALL BE HAPPY!! YAY!!
~Your inept to care. You'll fail. You will never have the courage to love a woman. You will never
have the courage to love children. You will only ever have the selfish ability to exist. Comfortably.
A starting point?
Aug 3rd 08.
Complete isolation has given me the opportunity to think. To listen to myself.
No internet computer games, or hypnotic mainstream entertainment on the t.v.
The absolute thing I was afraid to have. Non-interupted lonliness.
Like when I was a boy living at home, just mom and I.
Suicide, depression, and self mutilation found it's way back into
my soul after being dormant for a long stint. Kept quiet through artificial
social satisfaction, and alcohol. The resurfacing of these demons allowed
me the opportunity to fight them off on my own terms, without the aid,
or masking of outside influences.
On the brink of an emotional revolution one thing remains a constant,
the fear associated with love is dwindling. Self-doubt, low self-esteem,
fear of failure, and inner critic seem to have lifted for a moment.
I see a future I want to be in. A moment I want to experience. It
involves Sheyla. A woman I'm not afraid to express to. In my heart I
know she will remove my fear of sex. I hope she is the one that can
unlock the chains binding me of feeling love again.
At this moment, I lie in my bed. Concioussness focused inward. Trying
to author deep emotions into an enjoyable read. One thing I need no time
to understand is the greatest thing I'll ever know is just to love, and
be loved in return. That last part comes with the first part. Just
takes a little time to come back.
Aug 9
Well that shit didn't last long. Go hang yourself pussy. Hahaha i'm fuckin' crazy. (I was very drunk)
Complete isolation has given me the opportunity to think. To listen to myself.
No internet computer games, or hypnotic mainstream entertainment on the t.v.
The absolute thing I was afraid to have. Non-interupted lonliness.
Like when I was a boy living at home, just mom and I.
Suicide, depression, and self mutilation found it's way back into
my soul after being dormant for a long stint. Kept quiet through artificial
social satisfaction, and alcohol. The resurfacing of these demons allowed
me the opportunity to fight them off on my own terms, without the aid,
or masking of outside influences.
On the brink of an emotional revolution one thing remains a constant,
the fear associated with love is dwindling. Self-doubt, low self-esteem,
fear of failure, and inner critic seem to have lifted for a moment.
I see a future I want to be in. A moment I want to experience. It
involves Sheyla. A woman I'm not afraid to express to. In my heart I
know she will remove my fear of sex. I hope she is the one that can
unlock the chains binding me of feeling love again.
At this moment, I lie in my bed. Concioussness focused inward. Trying
to author deep emotions into an enjoyable read. One thing I need no time
to understand is the greatest thing I'll ever know is just to love, and
be loved in return. That last part comes with the first part. Just
takes a little time to come back.
Aug 9
Well that shit didn't last long. Go hang yourself pussy. Hahaha i'm fuckin' crazy. (I was very drunk)
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