What I meant to say....

I've made a lot of mistakes in the past. I've done few things right. When I try to express myself I've had trouble maintaing a vision of myself, which leads me to embarrassment. Wenatchee is my home, and where I belong. ww. I put in 5 miles tonight, and was able to stop, look up, and see stars for the first time in a while. There aren't many stars visible on the east coast. I've always wondered who else is looking at the stars when I'm looking at them. When I was running I had freedom. I had had a purpose. I had a goal. It's when I sit and only have idle time that things start to deteriorate. I have a demon inside of me. I have something that wants me to die. Wants me to fail. From within this voice pressures me to do things wholesome boys shouldn't do. A presence inside guides my hand toward the destructive. "The dark passenger" they called it on Dexter. I've pondered what causes it, and why it happens to me. I've wasted far too much time being curious with the unexplainable. What I need to do to beat it is at the forefront of my thoughts. I've been alone, and will always be alone. I don't like myself. I've got a more than formidable opponent I'm going to need to fight. When I'm alone on the road moving through scenery I'm at peace. Running is my new addiction. Literature is my art. One day I'll have love and be complete. Randomness has been expressed and is out of me. Time to read Animal Farm.

I haven't been "In the mood" to write, or do anything for that matter for far too long. Following how I've felt has led to me to procrastination on things that matter. I've slacked on housework, and now I'm about to move and am experiencing "crunch time". Following how I've felt also led me back to drinking. I've had an extremely hard time staying sober, and alcohol is winning the battle. I've been keeping up on my running and exercise, keeping up on my reading, but am still wasting large chunks of time playing video games. I leave for State Department in 7 days and haven't packed a single thing. One of the credo's I try to live by is "The things you feel most apprehensive about, are usually the most rewarding for you". That helps me eliminate worry about the unknown, and in my line of work there is a tremendous amount of unknown, and little that is actually "known". If I was a ship at sea, I feel like a small sailboat getting tossed around by a nasty ocean storm. Fruitless worry, and hard habits are still large parts of my personality. Humans absorb the traits of their environment, and take on pieces of the personalities they hang out with. Unfortunately my environment is a repetitive trap of ignorant testosterone driven douchebags, or the couch and I sharing another lonesome night. 3 more years until I can get back to myself. Get back home. Get back to Wenatchee. Wenatchee will never be just a town for me.