I'll give anything ever at any point in my life to hook the interest of any woman. I will literally give a testicle to hold a conversation with a woman. Pathetic? Fuckin right it's pathetic. I have no other option.

All I want is a woman who will be with me. The only way to get a woman is to talk to her. When I talk to a woman she will look elsewhere. What words do I speak to induce interest? What is the code I should have learned years ago? Why didn't I learn the secret?

Sharing the really intimate details of my life is supposed to be the point of this right? Last night I got drunk and texted my sister Kim the following. "Kim, you're a terrible sister. Go fuck yourself". I had forgotten all about it. I talked to my sister Katy yesterday for about 2 hours. Most of which was good conversation, but it ended up in me basically saying I'm disgusted by what she did to Shain, and she's a pretty lousy person. I think I used the phrase "you're an embarassment to me" at some point. Kimmy called me today and asked me why I sent her that text yesterday. Immediately I was embarassed about what I had said, so I immediately said "Because you ARE a terrible sister, and you can go fuck yourself". I hadn't had anything to drink at all today, mind you. I then told her that I truly don't give a shit about if she's alive or not, then interrupted her talking multiple times to remind her I don't care about anything she says. Then I hung up on her in mid-sentence. My brother called me shortly after that. He asked me how I was doing and I let him know I was great. Then there was some akward silence and I told him "I'm going to go now. Have a good one". Then I hung up.

My mom looks at me with an odd worry when I see her. My sisters probably won't talk to me for a while, and my brother is probably confused, and will continue on with his life. In 24 hours I've alienated myself from my family. Why the hell did I do that? I'm scared I fucked up. I don't dislike them. I love them. Why have I been horrible to them for absolutely no reason? It doesn't make sense. What is happening to me? I'm becoming the most hateful person I've ever known. I truly don't know who I am anymore. I cling to the assurance that I have some friends who will remind me of my identity when I leave this job, but for the next 3 years I have to live with myself, and I really, really don't want to do that. I'm truly freaked out by what I do and say. The drinking has won the battle, and I drink quite a bit pretty much every single day. I start drinking the moment I get home from work. What is going to change things for me? Is the highest point of my career, the lowest point of my personal life? I truly believe it is. I don't have such deep depression weighing me down right now. There's always depression but right now I'm a vessel filled to the brim with apathy, sadness, anger.... What the hell made me like this? I want to drink until I drown and don't have to worry about anything anymore. I want to flush all responsibility down the toilet. I want to throw it all away. A yearning desire for being a drug addict is probably a weird desire. In the last year I've managed to get at least 15 people I know well to never want to talk to me again, with impressive haste. What is tearing me apart, making me spew evil all over the only people who still want to talk to me?

Perhaps I should take up tennis...

I'm a fucking tragedy spiraling down the rabbit hole. Unfortunately the good people who are my friends and family have to watch it, and there's nothing anyone can do for me :( My fear is hurting more of the people I love. I've already hurt my entire family..

I'm about an hour away from my new class starting, and true to form I stayed up all night last night drinking and playing video games. I've been excited about this day for a long time. A chance to see if I can maintain intellectual superiority over my peers. Yesterday Kyle and I had a good conversation. Basically, we've both been extremely successful, and I've been able to maintain a pretty good physical physique without truly trying. I've got to this point in my career, and he with his college career, but neither of us has actually put our heart into it yet. We've both kind of glided along going through the motions and we've always done. That has made me think all night. Where would I be, and what would I be if I gave my full day...my full focus towards something. What if I tried to be as healthy as I could be? What would come from that? When I think about it, I instantly think "Well, what would being in great shape give me"? I'm not really sure how to answer that, but I think it's time I find out. Right now marks the beginning of 1 full week of completely healthy choices. I've lived a healthy lifestyle for a couple of years now, but the past couple of weeks my diet has been horrid. No drinking, no junk food, no fast food. Today is an idea set in motion. Hopefully I can stay awake long enough to maintain my focus!